"Like millions of young women today there was a time when I was convinced that there was nothing a man could do that I couldn't do better. I even had a framed cartoon of Irina Dunn's famous feminist phrase, 'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle', hanging on my study wall. I might still hold such sexist views if, for the first time in 30 years, I hadn't had to face the reality of living without a man.
But I was wrong. Six months after moving — alone — into an idyllic country cottage, I am slowly coming to realize that there are, in fact, plenty of things I need a man for. And no, not that.
So, with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, let me count the ways that this woman needs a man.
1) To zip — and unzip — tricky party dresses.
2) It is a cliche for women to say that all their husbands are good for is 'putting out the rubbish' - but they've got a point. The combination of wheelie bins and fortnightly collections means I need a man to push my monstrous bin down the gravel path to the road.
3) I have yet to hang a picture in my home. I need a man who can work an electric drill and knows what a rawlplug is.
4) I desperately need a man to hog my remote control and stop me rotting my brain on reality drivel such as The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Ladies Of London and Made In Chelsea.
 |
| Jane Gordon (author) |
5) I need a man to tell me what I want to hear when I ask him, 'do I look good in this?' Even when I know that the answer — 'gorgeous' — is a total lie.
6) I need a man to change the halogen lights in my bathroom where I have been showering by torchlight for four weeks.
9) I need a man to scratch that hard-to-reach itchy spot in the middle of my back.
10) I need a man to watch horror films with me and say (in the way I used to resent): 'Why are you frightened? This rubbish is about as scary as Scooby Doo.'
11) For walking the dog — in the rain.
12) For picking up dog poo — in any weather.
13) I need a man to explain to me what goes in the green recycling wheelie, what can go in the grey general waste wheelie, and what to put in the small kerbside food- waste caddy.
14) It's always my turn to drive now. I need a man to share the allocated driving duties.
15) Likewise, it's always me who has to fill up the car with petrol.
16) I need a man to force me to open those nasty brown envelopes and fill in my tax return.
17) I have spent the past fortnight making bacon butties and brewing tea for my houseful of builders. I need a man to say: 'Try the cafe up the road', because I am too frightened to refuse them.
18) My new cottage is so dark outside at night that last week coming home from a party (completely sober) I fell, spraining my ankle. I need a man with a torch to hold my hand and walk me to my door.
19) All my life I have suffered from icy feet, and hot-water bottles are hopeless because they are cold at 3am when you need them the most. I need a man to keep my feet warm at night (no funny business, mind).
20) I love a log fire at Christmas but, no matter how many firelighters I use, it smoulders and goes out. I need a man to bring the wood in and build a roaring fire every night.
21) Last month, I had to call out an emergency plumber who charged me £100 for something I always used to get done for free. I need a man who knows his way around a ballcock (and to deal with rip-off tradesmen).
22) At least three times a week my cat comes through her flap with a live rodent in her mouth. I need a man capable of putting said rodent out of its — and my — misery and to take out all the bodies.
23) After six months of maneuvering my Fiat 500 down muddy country lanes it's now difficult to tell what colour it is. I have a phobia about those mechanical car-washes and I don't think you can call out the AA to clean your car, so I need a man to keep my white car white.
24) Every man I've ever known was convinced women were incapable of loading a dishwasher properly, something I didn't kick up a feminist fuss about. Now I'm in charge it doesn't drain properly and nothing comes out clean. I need a man to take back control of the dishwasher.
25) I need a man with strong shoulders to cry on and say 'it's only a film, the dog didn't really die,' the next time I sob my heart out over Marley And Me.
27) Oh, how I miss being able to get all that bitching and moaning off my chest, safe in the knowledge that my ex isn't listening to a word I'm saying. Yes, I need a man to NOT listen to me (and talking to myself doesn't count).
28) I never buy socks for myself and on the few occasions when I needed a pair I used to sneak them from his drawers. I need a man to steal/borrow socks from.
29) I need a man who knows the difference between a Phillips and a flathead screwdriver and save me from self-assembly hell.
30) It is impossible to pull off wellies on your own.
31) I need a man to carve the turkey and set light to the Christmas pudding.
32) Recently my nephew gave me a lift to a family party and I was really touched by the gallant way that he rushed to open the passenger door for me. I complimented him on his manners but he laughed and explained that he had to open the door from the outside because of child locks. I need a man to remind me that the age of chivalry really is dead (or prove it isn't).
33) I'd forgotten how many times I lied about my ex being sick, ill or working late to get out of doing things. I need a man as my excuse for not going to Christmas drinks with the scary couple at No 10.
34) Now I'm alone I have become worryingly addicted to playing Candy Crush on my iPad. I need a man who will make me delete the Candy Crush app (or, better still, play it with me).
35) I need a man who knows which of the dozen cables at the back of my TV he needs to fiddle with when the 'no signal' message comes on screen.
36) Now that I don't have to justify everything I buy I am hugely overdrawn. I need a man to tell me that 'clothes don't make the woman' and to confiscate my credit card.
37) Despite my previous love of scented candles, infusers and room sprays I now find them too sickly sweet. I need a man to fill the house with raw, woody — sometimes objectionable — masculine odours that I didn't realise I would miss.
38) My ex used to exasperate me by turning off the lights. But now I no longer live in semi-darkness and have to pay the huge EDF bill that arrived today, I have to admit I need a man to go round the house and turn off the lights.
39) Now I am living alone my bathroom is as soulless as a hotel en suite. I need a man to leave shaving foam over the mirror, toe-nail clippings in the bath and the loo seat up.
40) With no male bathroom presence I can't sneakily use his razor to shave my legs with and have to remember to buy my own. I need a man to put up with me blunting the blade of his Gillette.
41) Living on my own has taken all the fun out of food. I need a man to say 'what shall we have for dinner tonight?' and to sit at the table with me and talk and laugh.
42) I know it's pathetic but I can't face going to the cinema alone and my female friends only want to see romantic comedies. I need a man who hates girlie movies to sit next to me in the cinema.
43) The best part of going to a dinner party was the wicked post-mortem that occurred in the car on the way home. Now there is no 'best part' because I leave alone.
44) My new range oven has a 48-page 'quick-start' manual that I can't decipher. I need a man to explain in laywoman's language how to turn it on.
45) My lack of spatial awareness has always been a problem and resulted in several near-death parking experiences. I need a man to guide me into tight spots and push me out of ditches.
46) How am I going to toast New Year if I can't budge a cork out of a champagne bottle without a spanner? I need a man to get the cork out with just his bare hands — and share a drink with me.
47) You hear some strange, scary noises in the country at night. I need a man to calmly explain that it's just the floorboards settling and not a crazed axe man coming to kill me.
48) For ten days I have been suffering from a sore throat and cold that has made me worry that it might actually be terminal. I need a man to make me Lemsip and tell me: 'Don't worry darling, it's just woman-flu.'
49) We really are the weaker sex — and the shorter one. I need a man with the strength to open a jar of cranberry sauce with one hand and the height to reach the top shelf in the kitchen with the other.
50) And finally, I really need a man so that I can seek his opinion on things — and then do the exact opposite of what he says.
Credit: ulled from UK Mailonline
No comments:
Post a Comment